Another three years gone.

Halfway through 2013, She and I filed for bankruptcy. Lots on my mind, lots on hers. Work stresses us both. Distance slowly grows between us, I make some new friends to fill the void.

March of this year, I'm moved out of my work comfort zone to another store to fill a need. April I'm promoted and my hard work finally pays off. The anxiety of waiting for that news was crazy. The relief of knowing was incredible. I start to work more, building things up to where they need to be, and the distance grows even more. I work more to fill the void.

New transportation, new friends, networking grows. Things are complicated still. The distance can't really get any farther away, the rope won't give anymore.

She and I have decided that we should separate before our girl's third birthday. It's for the best we say, for our girl anyways. We don't want her to grow up in the homes that we both knew, it was more than either of us could handle. The next few weeks are agonizing. Boundaries that should have been left where they were have long since been broken down, but it is for the better, at least for one of us.

I date a girl. She shares some of the interests that I didn't think people would share. I pour myself into her like I'm good at doing, but there are some gaps. Rockily, we cohabitate. Some weeks are bliss, others are torment. Several times she decides that this go might have been premature. Attitudes change, but maybe they were that way all along? Am I too close to recognize? Who knows, a struggle alone isn't one I have the strength for, so desperately I cling.

The end of the year is approaching so fast. In a month, life will again be in chaos. For the first time in a very long time, I won't share a room with anything, or anyone. I will share a home, but my room will be just that. Even as a child it wasn't something I was ever afforded until I was almost an adult, and even in adulthood, it's something I've only experienced briefly.

Things are so uncertain. People have an effect in my life that is greater than they might know, but it's not something that can be spoken. It isn't time for that. Reading will evoke emotion, familiar and foreign. The oil lamp I carry isn't lighting things as well as it used to, but my eyes are used to that shade anyhow.

And yet there's still so much to be accomplished, attempted. So much that deserves a proper finality to it. Am I ready? Soon, that question won't matter.

Ready or not, here goes what I've got.

Seriously, 3.0

That is the title for an achievement in Epic Games new title "Gears of War 3", and seriously, it's going to take a lot. Better than that? It's on my list.

3:51AM ...you know what hasn't changed? Insomnia. Still a bitch. At anyrate, I'm going to delve into the heart of the matter, and recap later. You'll see lyrics throughout, and it's because I feel that Staind - Not Again has a very fitting alignment with my view about this whole situation.

YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR FALLIN

YOUVE TAKEN THE STEP

IN FRONT OF YOU

IS FURTHER THE TRUTH

AND YOU FALL APART

INFRONT OF ME AGAIN

Mother left father shortly after their 26 year anniversary last year, which is August 4th. According to father, mother left because he wanted to kick sister out due to her not paying her own way. According to mother, father is still drinking and being verbally abusive to sister. By both accounts, the reason mother left is at least partially sister's fault.

From this point, there isn't a whole lot of anger or hatred slung around by either party; up until a few weeks ago, father had done a lot to help his chances of winning mother back, until father went to bring mother coffee one morning to tell her that he could save them a whole bunch of money by switching to geico (USAA actually, but geico gets an honorable mention) only to find...

...that mother already had coffee, as well as a male passenger in her early AM coffee journey. A brief interjection, if I may; I don't give a fuck who you are, but when you are in a strictly monogomous marriage where you are NOT legally separated in any form from your spouse, its going to look very, VERY bad having said spouse stop by to say 'hi' at 8 AM or earlier at your place of residence (NOT work) with another male/female present in your company, and you both look as though you crawled out of bed 20 minutes prior. That being said, father did not take kindly to this guest. After asking what was going on, mother insisted that guest was merely accompanying her to get coffee for her, sister, and sister's beau because sister's beau and guest were heading out to do some work for sister's beau's grandmother.

Further interrogation revealed that guest had arrived using an alternate method of transportation from usual place of residence, assumedly to prevent father from noticing he was gone at all.

AGAIN

DENIAL ISNT THE WAY TO FORGIVENESS

This was only the first of many stressful nights lately.

Later that day after father confronted mother about her guest and identifying that the story itself had too many holes (father spoke with sister, and sister's persistent death-grip over sister's beau revealed that sister's beau actually had NO plans to go anywhere that day, previously scheduled or otherwise) to be plausible, mother then became suicidal again, talking about how she was going to go away and no one would have to worry about her anymore, and it may not SEEM like a suicide threat, but I've heard them too many times to not recognize them.

YOU ALWAYS SWORE I WAS WRONG

NOT AGAIN

A week later, the in-fighting continues as now mother continues to tell father about her terrible living arrangement (this is AFTER she moved again into another apartment with sister and her friends) and how sister's friends aren't pulling their weight. Even after his trust has been broken because of what he suspected what may be going on between mother and guest, he insists on helping her, and more stress begins. Father decides that it would be a great idea to go to their home, not only at night, but around midnight after he's had enough to drink that would render him unable to drive.

NO TASTE FOR THE CROW YOU FEED ME

NOT AGAIN

A week after that, I come home to mother over with father, and mother is in tears. Then I find out that not only has mother been drinking heavily this night, but that she has been doing crack/cocaine with another person struggling with substance abuse from a failing marriage.

Not only does she have a drug problem now, aside from pot and the bottle, but she pawned (as there is no evidence currently to support the contrary) 20,000$ worth of jewelry in order to get the money for more coke. Now, at this point, mother has came over because she insists that user she did drugs stole all of her jewelry and pawned it.

No way? Really? When did this happen? About 3 months ago. Wait, what?

ITS NOT A MATTER OF IF I CARE

NOT AGAIN

The week following the last incident, mother continues to antagonize father over facebook about what family actually means because father refuses to put her on his insurance. Father switched from their current insurance to USAA, and ended up saving well over 100$ a month on insurance, the same amount mother could have been saving, but isn't now.

At this point, mother feels like she's entitled to be on father's insurance.

After all of the lies, the suspected infidelity, the drugs, the mental and verbal abuse, the suicide threats, the divorce threats... what gives anyone the right, after that kind of "love" to turn around and feel entitled for something that she lost, long ago? Mother called up grandfather, and told, not asked, but told grandfather that he needed to sign up with USAA so she is able to get a bigger discount. Grandfather wouldn't have any of that, so he called up father, and asked him why he wouldn't put her on insurance with him.

So he explained everything to him.

WHAT AN INTRACATE WEB YOUR WEAVIN

AGAIN AND AGAIN

That's when we find out that mother hasn't told grandfather anything, or at least grandfather is making play that he doesn't know any of what's going on. And then this is where the stress is reaching it's pinnacle; father tries to reach out to mother's family, but not only is he turned away, he's outright shunned. Each talks about their own dealings with the other as spitting maliciousness, but each also leaves out their own truths.

It's becoming more than I can bear. For a long time, I've supported father in his decisions with mother, but I'm becoming haggard now.

If they're going to actually legally separate, or get a divorce, then get it done. Stop baring your claws, spitting and puffing up your fur; just get it done. Stop dragging it out for the ones that love you, for the ones who's hearts you're tearing out by drawing out this nasty measure and just get it done.

You want to fuck other people? Don't try to manipulate the ones you love into thinking that it's all just a lie, that mommy is still a perfect angel, cause at this standpoint she's anything but. She hasn't just lost her Grace, she's lost her support. Desperately she falls, reaching out to brace the fall, and she gets support sometimes, softening her hastening descent.

YOU TRY NOT TO FALL

AS THE CLOCK FAILS TO SLEEP

SO HERE WE ARE

BACK WHERE WE BEGAN

So this is where I stand. Amidst other issues individually with each party, this family war is raging. Sometimes I feel like I'd be safer in Libya, or even the Iraqi desert, but then again, it's not really safe anywhere.

on a hiatus like it was going out of style

3:40AM... and it did. 2 1/2 years since my last post, I had almost forgotten I had this outlet available to me. A lot has happened in 2 1/2 years:

• moved out of Thomas' house, and into an apartment off of 240th in Kent
• Mom and Dad have issues, to the point where Mom moves out because Dad wants Sis to carry her weight
• moved out of apartment in Kent into apartment with Dad in Kent
• various fights between father and I ensue, just like old times
• Theresa and I go to Oktoberfest 2010; get pregnant
• after Theresa has already headed to Sakura-con 2011 a friend of ours/mine Meghan buys me a day pass to Sakura-con; Con-cherry officially popped. Weekend-con-cherry still present
• 26th birthday rolled around, lots of good times there
• Evelynn Marie Bowen was born July 7th, 2011 at 6lbs. 14oz. at 19in. in length with a 31cm. in circumference head
• Mom and Dad are having worse issues (details in a later post)
• we (Theresa & I) finally own something; our car is finally paid off. Has it really been five years?

I originally began posting here as I was told by my physician at the time that utilizing a journal (or blog, in this case) as an outlet for things going on in my life is a good way to help keep both my moods balanced and my stress level way down, even if there's something going on that I won't share with anyone.

There's been some activity lately, that has reminded me that I still need an outlet for unhealthy stress. I won't go over it in this post, simply because this is my "I'm back" post, not my "Poor me" post.

8:42AM... Boy, sickness does wonders for helping reset your biological clock and losing weight LOL!

Woke up, threw in Top Gun, since I've never actually sat through the whole movie... and I've got to say, great movie if they didn't play the same song over and over and over again throughout the whole movie. Definetly, however, not one of Val Kilmer's "better" roles, shall we say.

12:33PM... Another day of waking after 12PM, I need to get it to stop.

I woke up feeling rather ill today, like last year when i got salmonella; Quite possibly the most unpleasant think I've ever felt. Thomas and I got into another argument again, and after I think about it, I'm not quite sure what for. I thought he was getting upset with me because I left my hair in the bathroom sink (yes I shaved and didn't clean up after myself) but after talking to Theresa, I'm not sure if that's it at all. It ended with him yelling at her to clean up after me, but the sink was clean, and she said something about the toilet. I'll have to ask her tomorrow when I'm feeling (hopefully) better.

3:05PM... Finally woke up. Theresa isn't home, and I think Thomas tried to wake me up about 10 minutes ago. *shrugs* Oh well.

Went to bed around 7:30AM to catch the ending credits to the movie Stardust (which had played at least 4 times since I started playing games last night), to which I realized that I really enjoy the first song that starts playing when the credits roll, which is "Rule the World" by Take That. The lyrics are catchy and it has a nice beat:

You light the skies up above me
A star so bright you blind me, yeah, yeah
Don't close your eyes
Don't fade away, don't fade away, oh

Yeah, you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me, girl, we can rule the world
Yeah, you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world

If walls break down, I will comfort you
If angels cry, oh, I'll be there for you
You've saved my soul
Don't leave me down, don't leave me now, oh

Yeah, you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me, girl, we can rule the world
Yeah, you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you, for you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you, for you, oh

Yeah, you and me we can ride on a star
If you stay with me, girl, we can rule the world
Yeah, you and me we can light up the sky
If you stay by my side, we can rule the world

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you, for you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you, for you

All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you, for you
All the stars are coming out tonight
They're lighting up the sky tonight for you, for you

It has a lot of emotion and feeling to it, which is, in my opinion, rare in music today, at least mainstream music.